Harem Battle Wars: Legend of the Underfiend's Electric Boogalo
by Timothy Bourbon Belmonte III
Summary: The world's first fanfiction written by committee.


1**Harem Battle Wars: Legend of the Underfiend's Electric Boogalo**

**-or-**

**How I Learned to Stop Worrying About the Proper Title of Urotsukidoji and Love Tentacle Rape**

_Written by Timothy Bourbon Belmonte III_

Nacho Libre was suiting up for his next cage match. It was a dark and stormy cage match. Nacho Libre has nothing to do with this story though, so fuck that guy. Right in his asshole.

It was a dark and stormy 30 tatami room. Kirito lay upon one of said 30 tatami, naked, his cock exposed to the webcam upon which he was displaying his body for all the world to see. Over the past two years since defeating Aincrad, Kirito had become an internet gigolo camwhore. Nakamura gazed upon Kirito's 8 inch meat stick through the computer screen, whispering in the microphone, "yes you fucking deviant, masturbate that cock further." Kirito grunted as he stroked his shaft with the force of a Cadillac engine revving up at a drag race. "I'm telling you, if you painted it silver and twisted the end, it'd look like a kickstand," Nakamura said about his schlong. Kirito blushed at the compliment so lovingly provided to him by his wonderful girlfriend. Who is this generation's Alex DeLarge. Aku no Hana is the best anime of the year.

Meanwhile, Ryuko walked along the ravaged crossing field. Approximately 220 tatami away from Ryuko was Kirito's apartment. She counted the tatami as she walked, because clearly this is an important thing that everyone should do. In fact, it was the year 2027, and the metric system had been completely abolished, replaced only by the tatami scale, as invented by Akihiko Kayaba in the mid 2010's.

Suddenly, on the way to Kirito's love shack, Ryuko bumped into Birch Small, who immediately burst into song. "This is my life, so don't get in my way!" she shouted at the overly sexualized oriental harlot. Ryuko wasn't having any of her shit though, and asked the obnoxious high schooler, "what the hell are you singing?" Immediately following this, she ripped the other girl's tongue out using the heel of her high top, and ate it. This gave her two tongues, with which she was able to speak the language of the devil, and also give better cunnilingus to her girlfriend, Satsuki.

Aikurou entered the scene, his shirt off, his glowing nipples exposed to all. That said, the scene was actually the club. He was on the scene and did a bunch of cocaine off Luis' ass crack. Luis was having his bachelor party upon realizing that he was going to get married to his sister who he raped. It was a very special occasion, fraught with much hardship. No one could understand his plight, but the likes of such great men as that dude who runs the Men's Rights Activism website A Voice For Men. Aikurou was not a fan of incestual sex slavery, however, and thus decided it best to forcefully take Luis as his own, using a rusted pipe wrench as a dildo.

"You are invited to join..." Aikurou paused mid-sentence to remove his aviators, "NUUUUDIIIIIISTOOOOOO BIIIIIIICHIIIIIIIIIII." in all caps for good measure. Luis was confused, frightened, and a little aroused by this turn of events, so he had no choice but to comply. And then the entire club dropped some molly and had a huge orgy, ending with Lil Wayne showing up to lick the turds off the floor. Because any good orgy involves scat.

Back at Kirito's ass pad, he was just finishing up his fifth camwhore session of the day, when suddenly, his door exploded. Asuna burst into the room, wearing nothing but a potato sack. Kirito jerked forward, and back, and up, and down, and finally climaxed as if he was a rubber band shooting cum off of its elastic shit. I don't fucking know how to describe rubber bands.

Asuna plopped onto the bed next to the tired Kirito. "Oh Asuna," Kirito moaned, "you always get me so hot when you wear the potato sack. Now, take off your hair weave for me." Asuna did indeed remove her hair weave, the beehive that she had been cultivating for years finally unleashed upon her perfect egg shaped head. Literally. It was an actual beehive in her hair. The bees escaped, stinging Kirito on his now flaccid penis. Her chestnut colored hair was still beautiful though.

Kirito was saddened by the fact that his cock was now covered in bee stingers, and he let out a small sigh of frustration as he day dreamed of Leafa sucking the stingers off of his dick. He knew she was his sister but he didn't really give a shit anymore. He always fucked Yui a few times. "Oh Kirito, I love you so much, if I were ever not to be your submissive waifu, I'd totally set myself on fire from the inside out," Asuna crooned at him and he mended his broken penis.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch, and make me a sandwich," Kirito demanded. As Asuna ascended from the bed, he slapped her ass so hard that she flew through the wall, breaking the supports of the apartment. The entire building collapsed on Kirito and he died instantly. Fortunately, this is Sword Art Online, so he was able to come back to life within a span of five minutes.

Ryuko approached the broken housing project from the west. She spotted Kirito, alone and derelict sitting upon the destroyed wreckage of his home. "Hello Kirito," she said to him, with a twinkle in her eyes. Kirito, dejected, just looked away. "I have come to challenge you for the love of your harem," she declared. Kirito's eyes shot so far out of his head that they literally came detached from his skull and rolled onto the ground. They bounced all the way across the street, with a BOING BOING BOING, and were finally ingested by Guts, who – having finished his latest sexual experience with that other Guts from that other anime – immediately crapped them out onto the street, where they were run over by a passing taxi driven by Nakamura.

The next twenty five minutes of their lives were spent walking incredibly slowly, without a word, to the park where they were to have their final showdown. Ambient music played in the background as everyone with any sense of cinematic pacing fell asleep in their chairs and instantly dropped this fanfic. "How am I supposed to fight you without any eyes?" Kirito asked solemnly, gripping the shaft of his sword with one hand and the shaft of his throbbing erection with one hand with the other.

"How the hell am I supposed to know," Ryuko responded, "you usually pull stuff out of your ass anyway!"

"Good point." Kirito reached his hand into his asshole, all the way in, until he retrieved a new set of eyes from the interior of his colon. After washing them off in the park's sprinkler system, he slammed them into the once-empty sockets. "Alright, I am ready for battle," Kirito declared. Suddenly, he became violently coughing and grabbed his chest with a pained expression on his imperfect circular saw shaped face. "I can't breathe!" he yelled, and died instantly. For good this time.

"Well, that was anti-climactic," said Ryuko. "Looks like I get his harem now." She walked off, leaving Kirito's corpse to decompose. BUT HE WASN'T ACTUALLY DEAD FOR GOOD THIS TIME AT ALL. Using the magic of the power of the treasure of the underfiend, Kirito's nipples began to glow and his entire skin transformed into life fibers. "I will have my revenge, Matoi-kun," he said with a posed look.

Let's talk about Sandra-san for a minute. She is a roller skater among roller skaters. If one could see Sandra's panties for even five fractions of a minute, it would be the most heavenly sight on the face of this earth aside from when I randomly molest eight year old girls in the middle of the road. Sandra's panties were exquisite. They were truly the finest in women's underwear one could purchase in Canada or wherever the fuck My Life Me was made. Probably Canada because all of their cartoons sucks. Fuck you Teletoon I hope you go off the air. Her panties were made out of silk, freshly extracted from the anus of her uncle/grandpa, who liked keeping a farm of silk worms inside his asshole for some reason who fucking knows. They were colored a deep pink, because all the Pepto Bismol he drank on a daily basis rushed directly to his rectum, coloring the silk worms pink by default. Merely gazing upon Sandra-sama's panties for the mere moments that I was allowed in my brief existence caused me to have an erection among erections that would never be satisfied until I was able to rub my swollen mansicle on her beautiful pink undergarment. I really like talking about panties. I'm not a pervert or anything though. I just think there is an art to the construction of lingerie and I really appreciate all the effort that goes into making that which covers a woman's genitalia. Imagine if her panties were a two star Goku Uniform, they would be 20% life fibers, but if her panties were a 75 star Goku Uniform that would be like fucking I don't know 750% life fibers. That's a lot holy shit. Imagine if Sandra's vagina was a mollusk for a moment. It would be the most perfect mollusk on this planet. I would like to see her mollusk do things to insects because that is probably what mollusks do. Imagine this mollusk vagina is like a faucet. If you were to pour fifty pieces of magic cirtcuitry bullcrap into it, it would flow all over my face when she orgasmed. That really turns me on.

Sandra was expecting Birch to give her analingus, but Birch's tongue was missing, so Sandra was very sad. The pair vowed revenge on Ryuko and then scissored for like five minutes because I could probably fap to that.

Ryuko returned to her castle in the middle of the clouds. Waiting for her there was Satsuki, who greeted her with a steamy kiss because I could probably fap to that as well. In the next room over, Holden Caulfield was doing ass to ass with Christian Grey, using a eggplant. However, this was no ordinary eggplant. In fact, it was ALIVE! The eggplant ate both of these lovely gentlemen from the inside out, then grew an eyeball on it and squirted its orange juice-like liquid shit everywhere. Ryuko, however, was too deep inside Satsuki's vagina to care at this point. Her cunt became the world. Then Kirito's harem showed up and they all fucked the end.

BUT WAIT

THAT WASN'T THE END AT ALL

I BET I TRICKED YOU HUH

THERE'S STILL LIKE FIVE MORE PAGES TO THIS SHIT SO GET READY MOTHERFUCKER

Nakamura burst in through the skylight, riding a dragon made out of Takao's shit. The dragon breathed horrible CG fire all over the place because it was a metaphor for sex somehow thank you DEEN. Pulling her humongous metal strap on out of Satsuki, Ryuko turned the sex toy into a railgun and began firing supercharged pennies at the dragon, because that's all she really had lying around. Clipping the dragon's wing with one of the Abraham Lincoln emblazoned medallions, Ryuko demanded her newfound harem to do a cheer for her to power up Senketsu further. Every one of those stupid waifu bait girls from Sword Art Online jumped onto each other's shoulders and began to chant:

_ MOAR DEBAN_

_ MOAR DEBAN_

_ MOAR DEBAN!11_

_ Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn_

This 100% original do not steal chant powered her up so much, that she transformed into a Symbiote. Ryuko was no longer human. She was not human after all. Whenever she spoke, her acidic spit sprayed all over the place, burning pieces of the room. "Oh shit fucking dick tits bitch ass fucker," some background character from Black Lagoon yelled as tentacles sprouted from Ryuko's anus, "she has the power of the overfiend! It's the only thing that can defeat Kirito but has never done so before because reasons!" Suddenly Ryuko's phone went off, but she smashed it under the weight of her freshly toned alien abs. Using the tentacles, she climbed up the side of the building, and skewered Nakamura ass to mouth on one of them. This caused her to explode because explosions are cool. Then Ryuko became best friends with the dragon and they had hot steamy interspecies sex together because she was incapable of being attracted to humans anymore after receiving the gift of Symbiosis.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Doesn't the gore and sex make this so DARK and MATURE?

Meanwhile, Kirito was biding his time in his underground fortress. He had finally put the finishing touches on his masterwork, Dragon's Brown, a Dragon's Crown doujinshi about the amazon warrior or whatever the fuck she's called making a large ball out of her poop and force feeding it to the dwarf guy. His now skeletal cock was rock hard (A/N: do penises actually have bones in them? Probably because they're called boners lol) at the concept of having someone do this to him.

**Two years (worth of semen) later...**

After four successful Comikets selling his doujin to the unwashed masses of Japan, Kirito was finally ready to finance his revenge against Ryuko. Using the roughly five billion yen he had earned, he was able to purchase a WW2-era tank and a driver to go along with it. This driver was a loli but since she was speaking English she sounded like a 40 year old woman (this is a Sentai dub after all). "Let's drive this shit into the sky and lay waste to that motherfucker!" Kirito yelled in his best McLovin impression.

Suddenly the loli removed her mask, revealing Greg Ayres under it. "Shall we go, my Lord?" he asked.

"Indeed, sir Ayres," Kirito responded in kind. "Panzer vore means panzer vore." Then the panzer ate Greg Ayres sexually because it was panzer vore. As Greg drew his last breath and tears fell from his eyes, he near-silently cried out, "I'm not crying, it's a sickness!"

"Wait, hold the fuck on!" my editor yelled at me as she threw the manuscript back in my face. I put out the cigarette in my whiskey. Only my alcohol and smokes could ever hope to understand me. My blazer slumped off my shoulders as I slowly turned my sleep-deprived ocular receptors toward her. "This... is not fanfiction. It is straight-up porn. Not even good porn. Post it elsewhere," she declared.

I sighed. Women could never understand the complex life of a man's man such as myself. I took another swig from my bottle of whiskey, choking on the cigarette butt as it went down with the drink. "This is art, my dear," I explained to her with a solemn look upon my disheveled face. "If you cannot understand true art, I suggest you go back to reading your fantasy trash such as Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. Meanwhile, I will bask in the glory of David Foster Wallace's masterpiece, Infinite Jest." I spit on her. Because that is how I treat women. I am a man's man. I learned everything I need to know about life from the great Ernest Hemingway.

"No, seriously," she said to me, "your story makes no fucking sense, is not in any way erotic, and is filled with amateurish mistakes that even a beginning writer would not–" I stopped her immediately with a deep, passionate kiss. Our tongues intertwined for an indefinite amount of time before she pushed me away and sprayed bear mace in my eyes.

"Please..." I cried, "I want to drink your saliva. Please."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Abuse my body with your spit. I want you to squirt it inside my mouth."

"Get away from me!"

"No! It's my art! My art! This will be my masterpiece!" I declared as I propped my mouth open with a screwdriver. It dug into the fleshy inner part of my mouth, but I didn't care. It hurt so good. I swallowed my own blood, and it tasted like honey.

"I'm leaving now," she said with a confused expression upon her beautiful visage.

"I don't think so," I responded. Suddenly, my five vampire brothers appeared from behind the curtain. "We are going to become very good friends from now on, Yui," I said to the woman.

"My name's not Yui, it's–" My literally bloodthirsty brethren went in for the kill. She took off running through the halls of my humble abode. Yui just kept on screaming and screaming as she throughout the Resident Evil mansion in which I resided.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** sorry about that guys XD I had a little dispute with my editor but it's all good now ^_^ it's weird that she doesn't like yaoi as much as I do, bishounens make me SQUEEEEEEEEE I love yamapi and koji seto let's watch some j-dramas together sometime urusai

The tank flew towards it destination with the wings of a pegasus. Kirito had bonded with the tank, and it was now his noble phantasm. Kirito was actually Sandra's Servant in the 72nd Holy Grail War and had been this entire time. "I will win the Grail for my beloved Master," he said under his breath as the tank approached its destination. At this very moment, Ryuko was basking in the tanning salon of her castle. Her beautiful green, bulging, veiny skin was becoming a nice dark viridian.

This next scene is going to be very artistic so it shall be told through song. Imagine that they are singing the following lyrics. Lyrics are copyright Linkin Park and Three Days Grace respectively. I love both of their beautiful musics and vigorously rub my crotch to them every night.

Kirito: I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Ryuko: I can't escape this hell

Kirito: Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Ryuko: So many times i've tried

Kirito: Don't know what you're expecting of me

Ryuko: But i'm still caged inside

Kirito: Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Ryuko: Somebody get me through this nightmare

Kirito: Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Ryuko: I can't control myself

Kirito: Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Ryuko: So what if you can see the darkest side of me?

Kirito: Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Ryuko: No one will ever change this animal I have become

Kirito: I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Ryuko: Help me believe it's not the real me

Kirito: Become so tired, so much more aware

Ryuko: Somebody help me tame this animal

Kirito: I'm becoming this, all I want to do

Ryuko: This animal, this animal

Kirito: Is be more like me and be less like you

Ryuko: I can't escape myself

Kirito: Can't you see that you're smothering me,

Ryuko: I can't escape myself

Kirito: Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

Ryuko: So many times i've lied

Kirito: 'Cause everything that you thought I would be

Ryuko: So many times i've lied

Kirito: Has fallen apart right in front of you.

Ryuko: But there's still rage inside

Kirito: Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Ryuko: Somebody get me through this nightmare

Kirito: Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

Ryuko: I can't control myself

Kirito: And every second I waste is more than I can take.

Kirito's tank burst through the wall of the shower, because in the span of the montage Ryuko decided to take a shower because singing in the shower is fun. Kirito fired the projectiles from his tank barrel, but they turned out to actually be talking hamburgers – nice and greasy hamburgers – that swarmed Ryuko's naked body and began eating her disgusting Symbiote flesh. Unfortunately for them, her skin is entirely poisonous since the transmutation made it so for some reason. Kirito anticipated this turn of events however, and launched his special sexy hamburger at her. His name was Humphry. And he had a Brooklyn accent. Also, Ryuko now sounds like Keith David because reasons.

Humphry, however, was annoyed by Kirito's using of him as an object, so Humphry fuckin' ate Kirito's face off and then Ronald McDonald had sex with The Grimace on top of the tank and immediately produced a pickle child named Ben Dover. Ben inserted himself into Kirito's nostrils, and choked him to death. He was dead for good this time OR WAS HE no he was actually dead this time because Ryuko had activated the treasure of the underfiend.

Suddenly, Kirito's nipples began to glow again, and another Kirito ripped out of his skin. THE TRUE FORM WAS FINALLY REVEALED. A hideous silence filled the room or wherever they were, and then Ryuko bitch slapped Kirito so hard that he flew out the window and into the sun where he burned to death painfully because he survived entering and exiting the atmosphere because he is gary stu and then died forever and is dead now stop fucking asking me to bring kirito back you twats.

Plot twist: this is the end of the story now. All the characters sing Get Lucky by Daft Punk as the credits roll and they engage in a lesbian orgy. The end.

BUT WAIT we forgot about Birch and Sandra so let's just bring them back for a few minutes. To make a long story short they joined Nudist Beach along with Aikurou and Luis and now they are all engaging in a session of Tetris roleplay sex. As a beautiful orchestral rendition of the Tetris theme resounded through the halls of the children's recreational center, the inserted their blocks into each other with a vigorous force unseen by humans since the late 1800's when some dude's cock broke off inside his partner's ass. Unfortunately, all of the people involved suddenly had to urinate simultaneously, causing them to piss inside of each other until they exploded. Except Aikurou. Who fucked Prof. Sycamore. The end. The real end.

PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW OR I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL XD LOL BACON


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